Verdad.

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Today

The night has falled upon me, today I did not cry.

I am greatful for the things in life that make me happy and for the surprises that the universe brings to my table. I am doing my best and I am proud of that. I am not perfect and it is fine.

I am beautiful inside and outside and I deserve the best, that means no bad things at all. I loved so hard, I still love, every day. I do not regret loving them although it hurt but love is just mine even when handed to.

Off the balcony

It was cold and she had a little too much to drink. She and her friends ended up in the house of someone they did not know, nothing really mattered to her anymore. She would go wherever the wind would take her. The pain regarding the fact of not being able to be with Renato was too real, he wouldn't come, nor for her, at least. The pain of being misunderstood and him doubting her was still fresh. She resorted to parties and drinks. Numbing herself, burying the feelings seemed a good strategy, she had enough to cope with. Driving her life somewhere, findig or giving meaning. Either way, she was there. Between alcohol and music she found herself in that strange student house, they didn't know anyone to be honest and she was not really interested in the people, after all she always craved for people but deep inside, she never trusted them fully.

She came in and only cared for the drinks, suddenly she encountered a familiar face, Erik was there this Mexican she met through another friend, she just wanted to drink and forget. But as life is unexpected, she found more that night. Manuel was there, she looked at him and she felt something inside immediately. Attraction was somehow immediate, it hadn't happened to her for a while now. They spoke a little bit, drank a little bit more and when the time came to leave, somehow she figured out that jumping through the balcony was the best idea. And so she did. Manuel jumped first, and landed before her, he received her in her arms. And with that gesture, Alma began to feel something new. Never before had she felt like a princess, she was rescuing men all the time after all, but Manuel showed a glimpse of what it felt to be vulnerable, to be helped to be in a way saved. That got her heart so she asked for his number and a new chapter began.

The first date and first kiss was magical, a first time feeling vulnerable, feeling shy and saved. The memories of her time with Renato still lingered in the back of her head but she knew she had to keep on going and make a new life. There was Manuel, the Mexican prince that rescued her from the balcony, so she let it be. She recognized him immediately, she knew him before, and they souls united everytime they loved each other. It was a reunion of old loving souls that supported and pushed each other to be better. Old new partners that could share anything in the world and still accept each other the way it was. Perfect.

So perfect that it disturbed Angela. She was not ready for that love, she was not ready to be rescued and taken care of. She saw how she was pushing him so harshly and being afraid of herself and the tyranny that was coming she got scared. She disappeared and began being cold. She cared so much for him that she didn't want to hurt him with her broken love. She went away to protect him from her. She never stopped caring about him, she took him as a part of her life and so it stayed. His words of encouragement resonated within her head and even years later they will still linger inside her heart "a los culos no les hacen corridos" and she got strength and support from him.

She was afraid that her broken heart will cut him, so she decided to walk away, as the memories of the past still pierced her heart and we're nails that would damage anyone who would come too close to feel them.

Tired

Tired of relationships with no goals. Tired of wandering with no direction, tired of loving without checking the recipient, tired of not being wanted by the ones I love, tired of proving myself, tired to try to call the attention of someone, tired of feeling worth it only when I achieved something, tired of my addiction to love, my addiction to fix, my addiction to perfection and control. Tired of not being myself, tired of performing and being so kind. Tired of breaking myself to allow myself to love. Tired, just tired to breathe, tired to try tired to be and tired to fly.

Tired to achieve, I just want to rest in the arms of warmth, love and the chest of a gentle soul. Is it me? Who am I? Is it you? Who am I? It crushes my heart, spoils my mind, fuck you very much. I am going out.